Dive Master reporting to duty...at last

Finally after the months of  sleeopless days and sleepy nights, the day have arrived when I have to face the music and also bottom of the shot glass during the celebration party to mark the so called achievement of Dive Master certification in scuba diving community, what is highly amusing gig of first level diving professional getting smashed i.e drunk, called snorkel test. As boring person, that  I am, I have opted for less amusing way of self humiliation, based on fact that I really do not like the idea being force fed drink down the snorkel with mask on so I need to drink the mixture of undefined quality and quantity of alcohol available at the present moment. I have been lucky that my great friend and instructor “see how smart I’m with compliments” doh I should not type that here 😊 No seriously I always say that I’m blessed and thankful for all the people I have met in my life as I could not asked for better people to become friends with as the NAVA scuba diving team and others at Koh Tao. Coke, smoke and diving addict Jordan “just to avoid any misunderstanding Coke meaning Coca Cola and smoke means Cigarettes”  😊 who was my instructor from the start and later become my friend and nearly family member as well as his boss and designer wife Eli. Not saying that only because the special gift I had received from them on the night of humiliation in form of fruit juice called Merunkovica from home in Czech, what is my addiction. Seriously when you spent few months with someone on nearly daily basis you are becoming close and personal and the professional relationship grows into personal. Thank You Jordan for your patience and understanding as well as for hard times when trying to teach old dog new tricks. I have had absolutely cracking time since I started this course and being able to dive every day “and for free woo hoo” I can only hope that something from all the wisdom of books and Jordan teaching remain in my grey matter aka brain. There is saying that only the strong survive and weak will perish so I hope that on that very night of self humiliation assisted by yummy 52% Merunkovica “hmmm I started salivated…. Pavlov reflex like from the class book” I have killed only the weak brain cells which cannot hold the information and therefore assisted the strongest to survive. Two fecking books, two tests and 85 dives later, and many fun days with fellow asylum gusts under the short cut DMT –  Diving Mad Trainee what were colleagues and fellow thrill and peace seekers we slowly came to the end of this journey together some earlier some premature early “not based on nay sexual experience” we have completed the course in various times. Names and characters have been changed to protect their dignity and author legal cost. There is absolutely no point in naming them as they are no longer at Koh Tao, since most of them left, some due the shame from hilarious humiliation achieved on night of snorkel test “not really” but maybe and therefore it would be fruitless to say that our dearly beloved Jessica was first from our group to complete the Diving Mad course if we take out Patty and White as they started the course earlier than rest of us. Since Patty was the first DM we all were attending her hilarious humiliation night to see her being crowned as DM princess as she truly is attention  demanding as one princess is. Never forget her face covered in white flour as if the she was some cocaine addict on binge snorting but thankfully this was only because she need to find her questions in the tray full of flour by only using her face and mouth. For some it might remind the times where the face creams were readily applied by your true love as part of night beauty procedure or as part of security measure to keep you out of their part of bed and your mini me hopelessly obeying the law of gravity. She managed to get all the questions and some answered correctly but still being given a shot to increase fun factor until she was completely ready for the ultimate challenge of Diving Mad gladiators. That is simply assemble scuba equipment while blindfolded, rightly drunk and obviously with some alteration of the equipment to have her a bit confused and make this task bit more funny as well as testing her ability to cope under the stress and influence of alcohol what is routine for divers.  Serge, Jessica including me we were following in the footsteps of the ground breakers and did our version of snorkel test. Serge’s was first of the kind at beach front of the NAVA and he completed nearly all the tasks with grace and finesse of alcoholic  trapeze artist, who is always ready to take the challenge to next level. However the test was fun, lots of people and Serge handled all very well so no humiliation was achieved, what could not be said about Jessica since her snorkel test was last minute deal as she was leaving the island next day and therefore the time was multiplied and shorten for completion of all tasks. What a tasks, they were… oy wey… she had to get food from the strangers, being carried in arms of handsome  strangers, etc. but allin well meaning fun way until she get to shots and the bottle of gin slowly disappeared in her tiny body with result quite fast and predicable. Since I was witnessing those snorkel test I was deciding that I could do it differently as when White “no not a snow white” decided to approach such task in more funny and relaxed way by organizing BBQ at the front of the V-hostel and what a success it was. People eat, drink and have generally good times without the humiliation factor of vomitorium what is usually needed to complete such test . The amount of fun and food, that night convince me that this is the way to celebrate such point in life when the newly certified DM is hailed by everyone as a hero for one night only. I was so happy when Jordan mentioned that this is the event he has in his mind, when thinking of my snorkel test and promise of special gift of homemade Czech import of fruit juice called Merunkovica was great hook. Since I know that my addiction is probably causing me early night I took some precaution in way of good food all day long and using the mug of water as second drink after shots of delicious apricot in liquid form. The start was funny as the BBQ was in the place but no lighting fluid or any kind of starter cannot be purchased so the old fashion paper and twigs were used as when I asked the shop keeper why they do not have it, he replied that you take inner tube from bike “or any plastic” cut into small ribbons place it on the charcoal and light it aka Thai version of BBQ starter. Well since we also did not have any plastic and no one was willing loose the wheel from the scooter the old fashion method was used and behold, the fire was on. AM “hope that I type her name correctly”  from the hostel came as head chef and start cooking the various food available ad since I had not brought anything I remained from reach of the BBQ otherwise I would eat the whole things since I was hungry and the fruit juice was making a substantial dent in my belly through the food to reach bloodstream. The party was slowly taking off with people enjoying talk, drink, music and chat between each other as level of fun was slowly reaching the hill air moment and slightly before it peaked Jordan emerged with ropes what were passed to Angie “to her and my delight” but unfortunately they were not parting gift and we did not took off but she was appointed as official bondage girl and tie my hands together. To be continued……pe

Ha ha I’ve got ya… ya sick bastards, you thought that it was getting a bit spicy and hot “wishful thinking” but this time as she could not perform to the expectation of bystanders “woo haa imagine the poor bondage girl who cannot perform” and since the only impatient and equally sick person was the Italian David he came and improvised with tape… hmm Angie might talk to his girlfriend to learn trick or too maybe 😉 Since the audience was growing restless by the sound of it, as my eyes were blindfolded by some white bra from lost and found box “Must be some diving, when the girl lost her bra” not saying I would not enjoy it in privacy of bedroom such games but this time I had to keep focus and blood flow under control. Then Jordan has lead me like a sheep to the stage of peak performance of the evening, where I had to set up Dive Equipment from the start, only missing the tank visual inspection as I was looking into white D size instead. I had put all my effort to it and since I knew that there will be some tricks and amendment of equipment I was prepared for it and the level of alcohol in bloodstream was reasonably tolerable and I was able to complete the task fully even with yoke valve since I’m using DIN valve. To explain the difference between two of them to those who are not divers I decided to use DIN as I’m the old fashion type who like to put it into hole not over the hole. Since the stage program had finished now with me completing set up, now the free party has started to take shape and music was played loud, girls twisting their hot beautiful young bodies to the rhythm and the hips of some don’t lie and they rather wish to be laid down. As main participant of the show I knew that it is only matter of time when the system shut down commence, starting with loos of recording, than loss of RAM processing followed by loss of audio -visual and complete in total shut down. Therefore I tried to dance and have fun before my limbs were turned off as part of total shut down before reset will ne preformed next morning. I just wish I could last longer and not in any sexual way, as with level of blood in alcohol stream in my veins the ultimate law of gravity is winning full score as any man should know “ except maybe some special ones” but I’m not one of them. Well the music was blasting and party took off with level of alcohol consumed getting higher and higher and the dance move were not far from ultimate pop king Michael Jackson. Carlos nailed some of them with Sophie not far behind and sometimes the Sharika song hips don’t lie could be seen instead of heard I you know what I mean. Ahh shame that my total system shut down came before the party was over but this way I could satisfy the need of heard to experience some humiliation as it is always expected on such occasion. Trip back to hostel on salang or as I calling it donkey cart since, I must look like donkey when they tried to get me to bed “ahh not girls but Thomas , dear friend and watchmen” was barely recorded as total system shot down is also triggering the reset and disk clean so that God for the fact that Salang is made from steel tubes all over and therefore the clean up has not left much mark on Salang only on the road below. Since the reset has started the recording was partially restored just before I hit the bed and doze off in sweet drunk sleep, not happy sleep though as I hope that you know the difference of happy sleep and good/ sweet sleep. In case you don’t then let educate you….good / sweet sleep is when you sleep alone and happy sleep is when you sleep with girl. Actually I just realized why is calling “sleeping with” if actually you do not sleep at all, quite opposite you are very much alive…. Hmm such a philosophical question based on such primeval physiology activity. Ahh poor ladies in attendance … no one from them got happy sleep as I was out. See that little bit of egoism in this …. 😊 well when you are good it is good to advertise it or direct marketing be precise, since the PR level is not in my league.   

Well now I’m counted as professional “in diving” I should behave as professional and therefore there is right need of setting a standard. So firstly thanks to Jordan, Carlos, Tom, David, Bew, Andrew, Jacob,  Doctor, Kwang, Hali, Sophie, Whale shark buddy Angie and rest of the DMT team Thomas, Esteban, Dom, Yuki, Tarn, Jessica,and team at NAVA / SCUBA CLUB for the best time in Koh Tao as DMT. Also not forgetting mentioned the guru of sales and many other gifts who sold me the package and make my life better and happier “not happy sleep, mind you” Usama and his beloved companion Lady. It

Now since I did all the hard work of compliments let’s get real and be the Dive Master they hope they created 😊 lets guide those in search of way to the underwater world of Koh Tao and rest of the ocean and prepare myself for next step to become Diving Instructor as excellent as those I have privilege met and learn from it.

Now to see to that legal side of things …all the names and characters are based on the real persons ha that is the real deal…. See if anyone has anything to say. Meanwhile I will try to get another article with more details about the diving days and characters involved in it.

Sweet jeysus three pages of such letters and lines of so called authentic thinking i.e crap, so this time, this is it, not a page more today. Also I will not going to read it again or in this sense correct any mistakes, leave this to you grammar / writer freaks.